One thing I've learned about all human relationships is that it's important to let the small things stay small. Not every problem needs "solving." Some just need a friendly ear. Or maybe a hug. Nothing smooths out the rough spots in life like a little sympathy. For these little bumps in the road, I like to apply what I call "the other kind of sorry." Not "I'm sorry," the apology. But "I'm sorry," the expression of compassion. When did our human moments of frustration become such terrible burdens anyway? It seems sometimes as if we can't share any small sadness without someone rushing in either to criticize savagely or to "coach" us through the problem. While evolving from criticizing to coaching is certainly a step in the right direction, I think it's time we backed off a bit and questioned just how much coaching we really want to be doing. Small problems, after all, call for small solutions. Big solutions only serve to make small problems into bigger ones. It is the nature of humanity to have our moments of stress, of misunderstanding, of minor disagreements. Nobody gets along perfectly with anyone else all the time. Taking a practical view of these not-so-enjoyable moments can go a long way toward gently paving the path of any relationship. "He forgot to take out the garbage this morning? Gee, I'm sorry." "She ruined your favorite shirt? Gee, I'm sorry." Simple. But it's easy to turn small problems into big ones with just a few "innocent" questions... "He forgot to take out the garbage this morning? Really? Does he do that a lot? Have you explained to him how important it is to you? Does he often ignore your feelings like that?" Etc., etc. Hey, sometimes people forget stuff. Sometimes people make mistakes. Sometimes life gets a little hectic. These are temporary issues that don't need to be dragged through the mud. The problem is that the human mind, when anxious or upset, is easily led deeper into "enemy" territory. That "fight or flight" impulse is a strong one. So asking someone who's feeling just a bit overwhelmed in the moment, "Does he/she do that a lot? Why would he/she do such a thing?" is tantamount to poking at a bruise. Why aggravate the injury? I'm not suggesting that we should ignore serious problems. Genuine physical and emotional abuse are far too common and need to be addressed in a decisive way. But it's important to recognize the difference between a problem that needs to be handled and one that just needs to be sympathized with, laughed about, and forgotten. Every life has its ups and downs, and the downs won't get to us quite so badly if we don't make more out of them than we need to. If you find that you and your friends (and especially you and your partner) end up sailing through at least 80% of those bumps in the road, I'd say you've managed to surround yourself with some fantastic people. Hang on to them. Relationships like that are life's greatest treasures. |
