Waiting for a delayed aircraft and unashamedly eavesdropping on a conversation between two women it struck me how much of the grief and hurt they were discussing had been caused by that little word "should". The gist of the conversation was that women A's husband "should" have remembered something - but didn't. When we use the word "should" we are often voicing an expectation of either ourselves or another. The problem lies in that the other person (or our self) is often not aware of our expectation and has certainly not agreed or committed to an outcome. We are basically setting ourselves up for disappointment. I wonder how much anguish and pain we could save ourselves by banning this little word from our vocabulary? I was itching to intervene in the airport conversation, put on my coaching hat and reframe the problem for this poor unhappy woman. For whilst she was bemoaning what her husband "should" have done, she was effectively voicing what she wanted him to do. He was not a party to any agreement to fulfil this want and therefore was pre-destined to disappoint without being aware of the effect he was having on his partner! If you feel hurt or disappointed by the actions (or non-action) of another, or even yourself, why not check to see if there was ever an agreement to act? Write the problem down and examine it for those telltale "shoulds" and "oughts". Try rewriting it until the truth of the matter is revealed and then you can remove the hurt and set about solving the right problem. |
