Some people say that raindrops are the tears of the heavens, but maybe that's backwards. I think maybe tears are the rain of life. Like rain, tears are cleansing. They can wash away grief, anger, fear... all the sorrows of human kind. They melt away our suffering, leaving us fresh, renewed, and our hearts become a fertile ground for new joys. Why, then, do we act as though tears were such a travesty? No one enjoys grief, but tears are a welcome relief to the open heart. Emotions, after all, are not just in our heads. Emotions are chemical states that originate in the mind but are carried throughout our bodies, responding on a cellular level. We need our tears to wash our grief away. While it may seem "natural" to dislike crying, it is grief that we naturally reject, not the act of crying itself. We dislike crying because we learn as children that crying is bad, a sign of weakness, or at the very least something to be controlled as quickly as possible. Frankly, that's a crock of hooey, but that's what we learn nonetheless. There's at least some biological basis to the problem, of course. It's virtually impossible to ignore the cries of infants. We are hard-wired to respond to that particular distress. The sound of an infant's squalls produces physical, measurable stress in adults, and our immediate response as parents and caregivers is to hold the child and repeat some version of the phrase, "It's okay, please don't cry," over and over, to the point of desperation. As infants mature into toddlers, the phrase sticks, I suppose. "No, no, don't cry," becomes the crying-response mantra. We just don't think about it after a while. But really, genuine tears are best met with patience and understanding, not with admonishments. As children, then, we learn that grief and tears are "bad" and that happiness is "good." Yes, we naturally prefer happiness over sadness as biochemical beings, but we do not naturally judge sadness. That's a learned response. At some point we learn to fight crying because we have learned to fight sadness in general, and this is a terrible mistake. It is good to feel and release sadness, allowing the natural process to take place. It is not good to fight our natural expressions of sadness. Far better to cry until you're done with it than to carry it around. Instead, most of the time we not only carry the sadness around with us instead of fully expressing it, but we also walk around judging ourselves for feeling sad and for wanting to cry in the first place. But sadness is a natural part of life. And the urge to cry is a natural response to sadness. So basically we're just giving ourselves a hard time for being human. What a waste of energy! So the next time you feel like crying about something, find a place where you feel safe and just let it out. Most importantly, remember that this is what you're supposed to be doing when you feel sad--and stop judging yourself for your natural emotions. They say that when it rains, it pours, and for many of us, the first time we really give ourselves the freedom to cry just as long and hard as we feel like it, that storm can last a while. The body can store up a whole lot of stuff it needs to let out. So just think of it as a summer thundershower and ride it through. You'll feel a whole lot better afterwards, I promise. And if you happen to have children, the next time they're crying try to just sit with them until it passes. Show them that their crying is okay by letting it take its course. If you feel the need to say something, phrases like, "I know," or, "That's okay, just let it out," are actually much more supportive than saying, "Don't cry." If they're crying, it's because they need to. If they see you taking it in stride, they'll learn not to judge themselves for it. And that's a gift that will serve them well throughout their lives. |
