Theyre always mad at me. Im always doing something wrong. They never tell me when I do something right. They dont really love me. They love my little sister more and better than they love me. Thats o.k. Ill bet if I ran away theyd miss me. Or if I died theyd feel so bad that they would cry and cry for me to return. Then, maybe they would love me more. When I grow up, Im going to be the bravest fireman in the world. Im going to move away from this house and live by myself and Ill be able to do whatever I want and nobody will tell me what to do anymore. When I grow up, Im going to do everything that I cant do noweat everything I cant eat nowand be able to tell other people what they can and cannot do. Im going to be the boss of everything and everyone. As a child once myself, as a therapist working with many children and as a father and grandfather of seven, the above scenario would not be uncommon banter for a child to experience and verbalize to him or herself when they are feeling unloved or unappreciated by their parents. The fantasy is a way of getting even for something thats out of their controlsomething that they need more than the breaths that they takeLOVE. Without love, our lives are empty and meaninglesswhether were a child whos been chastised and feels unloved or an adult who doesnt feel that those closest to them dont appreciate and love them for who they are. Many of us grow up with those same feelings hounding us that led us to meander into fantasies of payback for the hurt that we might have felt as a child. The scene has changed but the persons feelings and perspective hasnt. Theres one thing missinga very important aspect of our enjoying the privilege of becoming an adultthe ELEMENT OF CHOICE. We didnt have many, if any, choices as children. The sources of our well-being were our parents or parent-figures and we were entirely dependent on them to have our needs met. As we grow into adulthood, many peoplein fact most peopletend to forget that with adult status comes choices. Apart from not realizing this fact and therefore not being able to get out of the rut of feeling choice less and defeated and unloved, many adults were never taught about choices. They werent taught what they were, how to make them and how they influenced their lives. They werent taught how choices determined their ability to conduct their lives in a positive manner as well as how they were responsible for all of the choices that they made. They werent taught that choices oftentimes can make the difference between happiness and despair. In a very real sense, a persons movement into coaching, life management or psychotherapy in order to deal with their issues is like a growing up that may have never taken place along with their chronological changesviz. growing up emotionally. I dont say that to insult anyone but merely to point up the fact that the lack of awareness of choices can keep us stuck developmentally and emotionally so that we end up believing, thinking and feeling in much the same manner as we did as children. We need to go through the process of recognizing and learning how to use choices to enhance our lives. That enhancement could affect our primary relationships, work situations, friendships and even our recreational lives in order to make them richer and more meaningful. The movement that occurs in coaching, life management or psychotherapy allows people the opportunity to come in touch with what they had missed that is so vitally important to their roles as adults. It enables them to breathe the fresh air of having choices in their lives and to be able to realize the dream of what they can become at their fingertips. When I grow up, I wont have to get even. Instead, I can enjoy my life and the lives of the people I love and who love me. |
