That weird feeling returns every single time somebody I loved passes away. Maybe other people feel it too. Im sure they do. The death of a loved one suddenly makes me feel so alone. Im looking at the world and it feels so cold and heartless. I wonder how on earth can I go on. My world has stopped. I want to die, too. I want to be with my loved one. I want to be where they are. I never want to live on this planet again. Why doesnt the earth stand still when my loved ones die? And why does the world seem like business as usual? Why is it when a celebrity dies many people mourn? Why is it when a leader of this country dies most everybody mourns? And why is it when a tragedy occurs, like 9/11, everybody mourns forever tears? When President John F. Kennedy was assassinated, everybody knew exactly where they were. The entire world mourned for many days. When my mother or my wife died, it was business as usual. My loss was just as important as fallen leaders and disasters. During my time of mourning, my time of hurting, my time of tears, my time of heart-stricken grief, the earth was still spinning, as my axis was broken and I felt out of control. During my painful stroll through life, I felt so empty--so guilty and angry with my thoughts. Why is it Im still alive while my loved ones have gone to a better place? How dare I be angry at God. How dare I be jealous or angry at my loved ones who left me for a better place to be rewarded in Heaven, and left me down here on earth alone to somehow go on. During my grief and struggles of despair, I try to go back to work at my job. It seems so senseless and meaningless. Why am I going shopping? It seems so unimportant. I have no appetite, food would be a waste. Everyone around me goes about their business while Im desperately hiding my feelings and dying inside. I come home to a home that use to be so happy but seems so alone and still today. I use to hear my wife, Bobbie, say, how was your day, baby? Now I go to bed alone in tears while my cat, Mandy, jumps up to comfort me and lays on my chest where my aching heart lies. The cat knows, she is smart, she knows Im hurting. Somehow she manages to draw the pain from my heart--just for awhile. I am comforted by her presence and thankful this small creature is living and loving me--and taking care of me. What would I do if I lose this precious feline--my Mandy? These days Im use to people dying. Almost all my family is dead. Im too young to feel this damn old, was a verse from a Garth Brooks song. It sure makes sense today. I hope I will feel love again, but Im afraid. Im afraid if I fall in love again, I will feel the enormous pain again some day. Next time will surely kill me. But I cant live like this--so alone and scared. I walk this good earth today with a sad song humming through my head. Its a Burt Bacharach song, entitled Ill Never Fall In Love Again. I hope this isnt true. Theres a saying, Its better to have loved, than to have never loved at all. I hear my wife singing all the time in my happy dreams. She use to always sing while she was cooking something in the kitchen. The song she use to sing was an uplifting and happy country song by Wynn Stewart, with the verse, Its such a pretty world today, look at the sunshine. The song made me happy when Bobbie was here. Now it makes me cry, because shes not here. But she will always be in my heart and mind--everyday, as with my other loved ones, too. Every time a loved one dies, I feel like I am the earth spinning out of control while my axis lie broken. I feel the world is turning cold and nobody cares. I know this isnt true, but try to convince this aching, breaking heart of mine. |
